When all you see is grey

When all you see is grey

It’s been a really rough week.
Liam has decided that it’s time to start our day between 330AM and 5AM everyday, testing the limits of my patience and lack of sleep makes me more emotionally vulnerable. So, since it was ass-crack-of-dawn early, I scrolled through Facebook, checking in on a friend I hadn’t heard from in awhile.

the post from her brother says she has died

It’s not real. No. I refuse it. I’ll take a minute and reach out to her mom.

I google for updates. Nothing. I am telling myself that it’s not true.

the post gets updated with the murderer…DEPRESSION

But I knew. In my heart of hearts, not wanting it to be true, I somehow intrinsically KNEW.

I’m raw. I compartmentalize and get through my days, always thinking “If only…”

If only I had reached out that day she posted the knitting groundhog meme on my wall.

If only I had sent a “Hey! Thinking of you today” when I was thinking of her.

If only I could have given her more strength to fight off that ugly, life-stealing asshole that Depression really is.

Angela, know I love you. Know I will forever miss you. And I will fight Depression even harder to honor you. I wish I could have fought that battle for you, rather than just WITH you. This is going to be a really fucking hard month for the rest of my life. The life that was enriched and emboldened by having you in it. Shine bright, beautiful soul. And I’ll always think of you on my “good boob” days oh how you laughed whenever i said that or on Redneck Range evenings that blowgun still cracks me up or whenever I’m out hiking in nature i’ll hear your voice and cursing your boots.

Depression steals. It kills. It rips open old wounds and they fester forever. Please, please, PLEASE know that you are not alone. That voice in your head is an asshole. Those chemicals need some balance. Reach out. Humanity is here for you. And we love you. Scream into the void with me and find that little glimmer of self-love and let us help you.

this week really sucked. next week will be a little better, right?

~e

 

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Fight Depression with me
https://twloha.com/
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1 (800) 273-8255

 

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